You're still gone, and I'm still lost without you

A lot has happened in the past few days, weeks, months since I last kissed you.
I've cried barrels of tears, and eaten tons of sugar, and stayed awake more hours than I should've. Pretty sure that I have accepted the blame for every argument we ever had.  Certain that I was not a nice person and didn't deserve someone as wonderful as you.  I've realized that I am the reason you had cancer and died.  If only I had watched your diet better, you never would've gotten sick.  If only I had insisted you see a doctor every year for that physical some tell us we need.  If only I hadn't loved you even when you were overweight.  Maybe the heartburn wouldn't have caused the cancer cells to grow in your esophagus.  Can we please have do overs?

Holidays Suck

Yesterday was Fathers' Day.  I'm relieved that it is over.  Life without Chuck is tough enough without being bombarded with that fact relentlessly from every where I look.  

My daddy was the strong silent type.  Chuck was Superman.  They are both gone.  I'm left with the memories, life lessons, habits (both good and bad), and pictures.

I understand that it's not all about me.  The world doesn't revolve around me.  I don't expect anyone else to change their behavior because of me.  I'm just sharing the reality of how very difficult it is to be inside my thoughts and feelings.  Some days it's tough to be me.  

Honey, I wish

I wish I had cooked for you.

I wish I had ironed your shirts.

I wish I had never complained about the messes you left when you did things.

I wish I had made your coffee and brought it to you in bed at least half of the time.

I wish I had recorded your voice when you said, “I love you.” every time you left the house, just before you hung up the phone, kissed me, caught me looking at you, during arguments, when I was sad, when you were sad, when we were happy…

I wish I knew just how many times you said, “I love you.”

I wish I had danced with you every chance we had.  I knew you didn’t feel well at Natalie’s reception, but I wish I had ignored that and danced.

I wish I had snuggled with you every night.

I wish I had gone on a long ride on that motorcycle that you loved.

I wish I had cleaned the garbage out of your truck every day when you came home from work.

I wish I had stayed up with you in the living room when you were unable to sleep.

I wish I had smoked pot with you to help with the nausea. I don’t know if it would’ve helped you, but nobody likes to get high alone.

I wish I had more pictures of you and of us together.

I wish I had thrown a big surprise party for your birthday!

I wish I had never been angry at anything you said or did.  You were never mean so I’m sure I was being a brat.

I wish I had written this for you while you were still able to read it and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I wish I had you.