Tears

Sometimes it begins as a whimper. 

I feel it in my throat, and I’m always surprised when I hear myself before I realize I’m crying.

Sometimes the thought precedes the tears.  That is usually when I scream! 

Sometimes I’m talking and my voice becomes shaky. 

The words get trapped in the tears, and if I keep talking, I’m going to keep crying.
Sometimes my nose begins to sting first. Then I get a lump in my throat, and when I cry it hurts.

Sometimes I can stop within just a few minutes. 

Sometimes I yell, and scream until I am exhausted. 

Sometimes I sob for a long time.

Sometimes my tears are like a reverse rainbow.   

I see a happy picture of a time full of promise, and I cry because we loved.

“There is a sacredness in tears. . . .They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

My Response to the 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said Alternate title: “You Shared Your Thoughts Here are Mine”

My Response to the 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said

Alternate title: 

“You Shared Your Thoughts Here are Mine”

I understand that every word was said with the hope that it would help.  Some of them are valid suggestions.  Some of them are an obvious attempt to come alongside me and be my friend.  Some are best printed on a bumper sticker and placed in a demolition derby.  Some come from bumper stickers, and you believe it is your job to repeat them.

My response:

1.     The only place I think would be better is right here with me

2.     You seem to believe you are making a point.  I don’t get it.

3.     Seriously?  So in time a decapitation heals, right?

4.     I will never get over it.  I may learn how to carry it through the rest of my life.

5.     Does that mean what I think it means? I will now begin trying to die.

6.     Holidays in Heaven.  Heaven!  Holidays!  How Funny!

7.     Oxycontin conquers pain.  He was not suffering. I am not glad he is gone.

8.     I didn’t realize I could choose anything other than grief.

9.     As if I have a choice.

10. You do not know how I feel.  That’s ludicrous!

11. I don’t know how I do it, either.

12. So, is it really all about you?

13. He loved me and wanted to take care of me forever.  He did not want to leave.

14. He understood how important he was to me.  He understood sorrow.

15. We all grieve differently.  I would be dishonoring Chuck if I didn’t work.

16. Ha ha ha!  You think?

17. Maybe you should talk to yourself.

18. Again, do you think I have a choice?

19. A better choice might be a “magic wand”

20. Probably not, but thanks for offering.

21. I don’t know.

22. Oh My, I cry many times every day. I didn’t know you were causing it.

23. This is my new normal.

24. She died with her old Chuck.

25. Lost.  Their “HERO didn’t make it.” Now they worry about their mom.

26. Fun? I’m confused. Explain that word to me.
27.  F...You!
28.  Seriously!  This one simply shocks me into an uncharacteristic silence!
28. Ha! Thanks for telling me, I couldn't tell.  

The 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said Alternate title: “Share Your Thoughts Only if You Can Handle the Response”

The 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said

Alternate title: 

“Share Your Thoughts Only if You Can Handle the Response”

This is a collection of things I hope I’ve never said.  If I have said them, I sincerely apologize.  Please forgive me.

*Caution!  Read at your own risk.  These words may be direct quotes from you.

**Seriously, if you have thin skin, maybe you should skip this part!

***For real!  Are you sure you want to continue?

Okay, you were warned.  I will not accept responsibility for your hurt feelings.  I am simply reporting.

1.     “He is in a better place.”

2.     “When Jesus returns, death will be conquered.”

3.     “Time heals all wounds”

4.     “You will get over it.”

5.     “You will be with him again some day.”

6.     “He is having his birthday/Christmas/Easter/insert holiday in Heaven.”

7.     “Aren’t you glad he is not suffering any more?”

8.     “Give yourself permission to grieve.”

9.     “Take all the time you need.”

10. “I know how you feel.”

11. “I don’t know how you do it…”

12. “My (fill in the blank with anything) died, and I …”

13. “He would have wanted you to be happy.”

14. “He wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad.”

15. “If I lost my husband I don’t think I could get out of bed.”

16. “You might be depressed.”

17. “Maybe you should talk to a grief counselor.”

18. “Go ahead and cry.”

19. “Have you asked the doctor for an antidepressant?”

20. “Will you call me if you need anything?”

21. “What are you going to do with (fill in the blank)?”

22. “I am afraid I will make you cry.”

23. “When are you going to get back to normal?”

24. “I miss the old Patti.”

25. “How are the kids?”

26. “You need to get out and have some fun!”
27. "What did you do to cause this death?"
28.  How did he die?  Was he alone? Were you with him? Was he awake?
29. "You're fine now."

Don’t Know What to Say?

Don’t Know What to Say?

To be honest with you, I don’t know what to say.

When I see you and want to speak to you, I usually say the automatic, “Good morning, How are you?”  I know as soon as I’ve uttered those words that politely, you will respond with the same phrase.  That is when I’m at a real loss for words.

Do I tell you the truth?  Daddy raised me to believe that honesty was the ONLY choice.  Mom raised me not to say anything if it isn’t nice.  Chuck taught me that even when you are miserable, you should keep going.  You should take care of business, and whining about your unpleasant situation isn’t going to change anything, so you might as well accept your deal and invest your energy helping someone else. 

I generally tell you, I’m okay. 

When you ask me is there anything you can do for me, I don’t want to dismiss you, but honestly there is nothing that can help me.  I’m lost.  I’m trying to function in this world without the half of me that I loved more than life itself.  The only thing I need is gone.

 I accept the love that came with your offer and tell you I will call you if I need anything.  I won’t.

I know that you don’t know what to say or do.  I’ve been where you are.  I’ve wanted desperately to comfort a friend who is hurting.  I have said many of the same things you have said to me.  I have worried that I would say something that would cause my friend more pain.  Now, I know the truth. Words really can never again hurt me.

So, feel free to talk or not talk.  More than likely, I won’t hear you anyhow. 

The only proper response to hearing the news:  “Oh no! That really sucks!”

Here I Am

Saturday 

March 10, 2012

Here I am.  That is all there is.  Here I am.  I am not the great I Am.  I am simply, here.  More precisely, I think I am here.  Most of the time I am watching Patti to see what she will do or say next.  Will she cry?  Will she speak?  Will she answer questions politely?  Will she get up?  Will she get dressed?  Will she get where she is going on time?  Does she even know where she is supposed to be?  What is she going to do without him? 

Him. Honey. Prince. The Love of My Life. Chuck.

Him.  He was the air that I breathe.  He was life flowing through my heart with every beat.  He was my purpose, my reason, my sanity, my joy, my sweetness.  He gave me courage. He calmed my fears. He was my strength. He kept me sane. He is why I'm not a crazy old cat lady living behind a dumpster.  He empowered me to be able to do anything but he took care of everything so that I did not have to do anything.  He made me laugh and cry.  He joined me when I did either. 

When my world felt like it was perfect in every way, he was on cloud nine with me.  When I though there was no hope and didn't want to live, he comforted me with his presence.  His words never belittled my feelings.  He never told me I shouldn't feel that way.

I try to be who he would want me to be. I try with every breath to appear normal. 

I haven't known normal since July.