You're still gone, and I'm still lost without you

A lot has happened in the past few days, weeks, months since I last kissed you.
I've cried barrels of tears, and eaten tons of sugar, and stayed awake more hours than I should've. Pretty sure that I have accepted the blame for every argument we ever had.  Certain that I was not a nice person and didn't deserve someone as wonderful as you.  I've realized that I am the reason you had cancer and died.  If only I had watched your diet better, you never would've gotten sick.  If only I had insisted you see a doctor every year for that physical some tell us we need.  If only I hadn't loved you even when you were overweight.  Maybe the heartburn wouldn't have caused the cancer cells to grow in your esophagus.  Can we please have do overs?

Holidays Suck

Yesterday was Fathers' Day.  I'm relieved that it is over.  Life without Chuck is tough enough without being bombarded with that fact relentlessly from every where I look.  

My daddy was the strong silent type.  Chuck was Superman.  They are both gone.  I'm left with the memories, life lessons, habits (both good and bad), and pictures.

I understand that it's not all about me.  The world doesn't revolve around me.  I don't expect anyone else to change their behavior because of me.  I'm just sharing the reality of how very difficult it is to be inside my thoughts and feelings.  Some days it's tough to be me.  

Honey, I wish

I wish I had cooked for you.

I wish I had ironed your shirts.

I wish I had never complained about the messes you left when you did things.

I wish I had made your coffee and brought it to you in bed at least half of the time.

I wish I had recorded your voice when you said, “I love you.” every time you left the house, just before you hung up the phone, kissed me, caught me looking at you, during arguments, when I was sad, when you were sad, when we were happy…

I wish I knew just how many times you said, “I love you.”

I wish I had danced with you every chance we had.  I knew you didn’t feel well at Natalie’s reception, but I wish I had ignored that and danced.

I wish I had snuggled with you every night.

I wish I had gone on a long ride on that motorcycle that you loved.

I wish I had cleaned the garbage out of your truck every day when you came home from work.

I wish I had stayed up with you in the living room when you were unable to sleep.

I wish I had smoked pot with you to help with the nausea. I don’t know if it would’ve helped you, but nobody likes to get high alone.

I wish I had more pictures of you and of us together.

I wish I had thrown a big surprise party for your birthday!

I wish I had never been angry at anything you said or did.  You were never mean so I’m sure I was being a brat.

I wish I had written this for you while you were still able to read it and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I wish I had you.

Leaning Over the Edge of the Abyss

Three hundred twenty one days into this, and I realized that I am no longer afraid of falling.  The fears I once had have left me.

I spend a lot of time trying to decide what I should do next.  I never had to think about how I spend my time with him.

Living Without

Normal: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

Around here, life is normal.  In fact, everything seems normal for minutes at a time.  This is what I expect.  This is typical and expected now.  There are days that I don't cry. There are days I do nothing but cry. Most of the time I am totally lost. 

He left us February 7.  Oh my God!  

Letter to Our Children

May 10, 2012 

Dear Children of Ours,        

            Thank you for being.  I don’t know how I would have made it through the past few months without you.  Each of you has brought more than a little sunlight into my otherwise dark world.

            I can’t imagine how you must be feeling because my daddy was not exactly a hands-on parent.  I loved and respected him, but I never really knew too much about him.  He was aloof, to say the least.  Mom raised us.  Daddy was more for show.  When Lesli was born, he became a simply spectacular papaw.  So, although it broke my heart when he died, it was nothing like what you are facing now.

            To the best of my knowledge, our family is the best!  I don’t know anyone else who has faced the same challenges we have faced, but I do know of other families who have scattered over less.  You are full of your dad, and I am humbled by your ability to get along even in times of stress.

            Chuck and I never imagined you would turn out so well.  Naturally, because you can’t see the end when you are standing at the beginning.  Each of you has brought special challenges and faced unique difficulties.  You are all successful, shining examples of what Love and persistence can do for a self-absorbed little human.

            Lesli, You were totally crushed when we didn’t take you with us on our “Honeymoon”.  I don’t know why I wasn’t smart enough to anticipate that, but I was caught completely by surprise.  You forgave us quickly, and then spent the next couple of years learning how to manipulate your Mamaw and Papaw into telling your Daddy that he shouldn’t try to get you to go to bed at night.  Remember all those trips from Memphis to Knoxville when you knew our house rules were thrown out the window somewhere over the Cumberland Plateau on I-40 East?  It was tough every time we headed west back to Memphis, but you survived.  In fact, many of the skills you have today began to flourish when you left the “Lesli World” in Knoxville to live in “Jim & Ann World”.  Not every lesson was pleasant, nor did they all help.  You and I learned many of them simultaneously. 

            J, You were -5 months old when your Daddy packed, loaded, and drove the truck to bring us to Memphis.  I was not what anyone had hoped for Chuck to marry.  As if it wasn’t bad enough for him to married a divorced single mom.  He met me in a bar, and I was a Democrat!  I was a product of public school, & neither of my parents had graduated from college or high school for that matter.  I’m aware that the Chambers’s family and friends had hoped that I was a wild fling.  They seemed sure that Chuck’s love for me was not real, and our marriage would not last.

            Lesli, J, and I traveled to Knoxville at least twice a month for a couple of years.  It made no difference to me what anyone thought of my blatant disregard for what society saw as my failure to keep house.  Daddy worked three jobs, so we hit the road.  Even though my mom and dad were not happy that we were so far away, they became incredibly supportive.  I kept waiting for your dad to see the light and take us all home.  That didn’t happen.

            Chris, you were -5 months old when your Daddy packed, loaded, and drove several trucks to Beaverlodge.  It was a small house, all ours, and I loved it!  Our trips to Knoxville gradually spread to about one a month.  Our living expenses had increased so I began to keep more than just Matt.  Our groceries, gas, and entertainment were all paid for with babysitting money.

            The three of you were our purpose!  God was on the throne in our lives and you were arrows in the hands of a warrior.  Our quiver was full.  Daddy and I covered all of you every day in prayer.  We were in Church every time the doors were open.  Both of us were students at the University of Memphis, or Southwest yet we rarely failed to eat dinner as a family around the table in our dining room.   The food was what we could afford, cooked to the best of my ability 5 nights out of 7.  I remember lots of chicken, rice, and broccoli.  Saturday night was mostly homemade pizza night. After I accepted a mystery shopper offer once a month we enjoyed Dominoes delivery.  Sunday meals were a combination of leftovers, either from our kitchen or Ann’s. 

            I was not at all happy when it became obvious that Chambers & Chambers Construction Company would not be enough to support us.  We needed to get out from under our house note.  Ann & Jimmy had bought the property on Cotton Plant, and there was a rent free house available.  I had already lived in the backyard of my in-laws and knew that it would probably not be a bed of roses.  Ann & Jimmy had decided that I was a good enough wife and mom, but we were still not bosom buddies.  Daddy and I had learned better communication skills, so we decided to give it a chance. 

            I wasn’t pregnant for this move, but I wasn’t all that enthusiastic either.  I helped, but again, Chuck did most of the work.  We continued the course.  You three children were our most important job.  Whenever we were together, you were our topic of conversation.  Every decision we made involved what was best for you.  We stood together at your bedroom doors and prayed every night.  We asked for God’s wisdom to raise you according to his purpose.  We went to marriage and parenting Sunday school classes, listened to Christian radio, and spent time learning from others who had successfully raised Christian men and women.  We graduated from college, but never stopped being students.

            Our lives were good.  We lived, loved and laughed every day.  We continued to share meals at the table and worked together at everything.  You grew.  You grew and grew and grew. 

            I became a teacher, Lesli became a wife and mother, and J and Chris became high school & Junior High School students.  We had to leave our Cotton Plant house.  I don’t know how long Honey knew the move was inevitable, he never told me.  I learned in October on a Monday, that we would need to move Saturday.  I was crushed.  Once again, daddy packed, loaded, and moved us.  He also began to build this house.  April 1, 2000 we moved in here.  Phil hired your dad, and for the first time ever, we knew every 2 weeks he would receive a check.  We didn’t make enough to live here, but at least his pay didn’t depend on whether or not a house sold. 

            August 2000, J entered the 10^th grade Chris began the 9^th grade, and I went back to Shelby County Schools to work with Mrs. Spencer.  Our evening meals became less frequent, and our finances tighter.  I had no clue that we had not qualified for a home loan.  Jimmy used a Quit Claim to transfer the loan out of Chambers & Chambers Construction Company to us.  Our house note took all of my income and part of Chuck’s.  We lived on credit. Our love grew.  We began to think that we had done a good job raising three children.  Each of you was involved in rich relationships through church and school.  Lesli was a phenomenal wife and mother.

            We witnessed some of our friends’ children make tragic choices, Matthew B. became an addict, & got arrested a few times, Annie called the police on her dad, but you three were making pretty good choices. 

            Fall, 2003 we headed into the storms.  Jimmy was diagnosed with lung cancer, Phillip was murdered, Jimmy died, Lesli divorced.  I questioned God.  We grew closer as a family and closed in ranks.  Your daddy grieved deeply the loss of Phillip and his own daddy, but he reassured me daily of his undying love and commitment to us. 

            It has been almost 9 years since our world flipped on its axis.  Daddy and I continued to stand amazed at who each of you became.  You were adults, and we were proud!  If we had known how well you were going to turn out, we would have been arrogant jerks. 

            There was never a time that we believed we could raise you alone.  Apart, neither of us had what we needed.  Together, we were the best blend of parenting bathed in prayer.  Decisions, big and small were thoroughly discussed.  Our pride in you as you ventured out into the world was huge. 

            When you were growing up, there were times that one of us would be losing our cool, but the other knew just the right thing to say or do to solve the problem. 

            Daddy talked about moving you all out so he could walk around naked, but he loved being involved in all the details of your lives.  When you lived away.  He worried and fretted over you just like I did. 

            I don’t know how many things he told you in confidence, but I do know that not everything was exactly true.  Your dad had a tendency to embellish.  He rewrote many stories to suit his purposes.  Every time I heard of a “don’t mention this to your mom” I went crazy.  I have never believed family secrets were a good thing.  I finally came to simply accept them as something he needed.  

            So, here we are.  Life has taken us on roads we never wanted to travel at breakneck speed.  How could heartburn kill our Hero?  What is up with that?  It doesn’t make sense that a man dedicated to loving God and his family, a man who worked so hard for anyone who needed help, a man who shared everything he owned died so young. 

            I ask you, each of you, to continue to honor your daddy.  Please ask yourself every day, how can I live today in a way that would make him smile, and say, “That’s my child.”  Whether you realized it or not, every day, he lived his life in a way that would be an example for you.  Every day, you were his purpose.  I was the love of his life, but you were his legacy.

            I will love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my babies you’ll be.

Heartless

Today marks Day 111 of life without heart.  He was my heart.