April 8, 2012
Easter Sunday
Every first
brings its own set of issues. The first
morning after Honey died was the first time I realized that I was waking to a
worse nightmare than any I could experience while sleeping. My precious son, J
sat in my room waiting for me to awaken.
He knew it would be terrible and wanted to be there for me.
The first
time I had any real important decisions to make without him was at Memorial
Park. Lesli, J, Chris, and Carol went
with me. Every time the man would ask me
a question we (family and I) had not discussed, I asked them. Together, we made the necessary
decisions. Together, we stand strong.
My first Valentines’
Day was bittersweet. Lesli and her dad
had already planned my gift. Lesli had bought an Infinity necklace while
shopping for Chuck’s present for me for Christmas. After she explained to him
what it represented, he wanted to save it for Valentines’ Day. February 13, Lesli explained its history and
her struggle. She had decided that it
might be best to give me plenty of time to cry and still be able to wear it to
school the following day. Oh, Honey, I
will love you forever.
Spring
Break brought many painful firsts. It
was the first time I would have a holiday without my darling husband, and it
was the week of his first not living birthday.
Saturday
morning, we had planned a first family outing. It was a trip to the shooting range. Because he is gone, I no longer feel safe. He was my security, and now he is gone. I feel the need to reapply for a handgun
carry permit, but it has been a while since I have handled a weapon. Before
signing up for the class, I want to refresh my memory of how to use a gun. Chris bought ammunition (several kinds for
several hand guns). We all got in the
cars and traveled across town for about 30 minutes to the Range. We went inside, signed up, and began our
20-minute wait. It took me about 3
minutes to begin crying. Before long (5
minutes) it was obvious that I was in ‘buckets of tears’ mode. All three of my precious children assured me that
they wanted to go home. We had done all
of that for me to cry and go home. I
love my kids.
Later that
same day I drove to Kroger for milk. I
sat in the car and cried for half an hour before surrendering to the
obvious. I wouldn’t be walking into the
store that day.
Sunday
brought me one day closer to Honey’s birthday.
It is the day I would have made sure his birthday would be happy. He liked country ham and rolls, hot (not mild) sausage, and cheese omelets. I would have
teased him constantly about what he wanted to do that day. I would have made sure that everyone knew his
birthday was Monday so that everyone who wanted to call would remember.
Monday,
March 12 would have been Chuck’s 53rd birthday. I expected to be sad, but I wasn’t prepared
for angry. I read some really stupid words. His Facebook page became a source
of rage for me. I spoke my mind to several people and unfriended more than I
know. I also decided that it was time to
share my feelings. I published a blog
with the 25/26/27 things that shouldn’t be said along with my response to the
25/26/27 things that shouldn’t be said.
By Tuesday,
I was aching to return to school. I got
busy on the yearbook and watched some really different shows on the television.
Today is
the first Easter without my Honey. I
have no joy. Instead of celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus as our Savior, I
question the existence of God. Gone is
my deep faith and belief in a loving God.
In its place I have doubt, anger, and disbelief that seems to grow with
every first.
