Survive

As soon as I saw my Honey's blank eyes, I have been frantically repeating thoughts.  One of the ALL CAPS questions has been forever been coupled with the most horrible realization ever.
"He's gone.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"
Without ending, this has drummed in my head all the time for 69 days.
"He's gone.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"
I've screamed them. I've whispered them. I've spoken them out loud to almost everyone I know.  More than that, however, I have heard them.
"He's gone.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"
They are like the bass that gives a song it's power.  Underscoring every waking moment and many of my sleeping moment I walk, sit, stand, drive, eat, shower, cry, and laugh to the rhythm of:
"He's gone.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"
Tuesday, while reading Hatchet  with my class I realized the answer.
I'm going to survive.
I still breathe to the tune of the truth.
"He's gone.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"


"I'm going to survive."

The list of huge gaping holes Honey left behind continues to grow and gape.


"I'm going to survive."

Firsts

April 8, 2012

Easter Sunday

            Every first brings its own set of issues.  The first morning after Honey died was the first time I realized that I was waking to a worse nightmare than any I could experience while sleeping. My precious son, J sat in my room waiting for me to awaken.  He knew it would be terrible and wanted to be there for me. 

            The first time I had any real important decisions to make without him was at Memorial Park.  Lesli, J, Chris, and Carol went with me.  Every time the man would ask me a question we (family and I) had not discussed, I asked them.  Together, we made the necessary decisions.  Together, we stand strong.

            My first Valentines’ Day was bittersweet.  Lesli and her dad had already planned my gift. Lesli had bought an Infinity necklace while shopping for Chuck’s present for me for Christmas. After she explained to him what it represented, he wanted to save it for Valentines’ Day.  February 13, Lesli explained its history and her struggle.  She had decided that it might be best to give me plenty of time to cry and still be able to wear it to school the following day.  Oh, Honey, I will love you forever.

            Spring Break brought many painful firsts.  It was the first time I would have a holiday without my darling husband, and it was the week of his first not living birthday.   

            Saturday morning, we had planned a first family outing.  It was a trip to the shooting range.  Because he is gone, I no longer feel safe.  He was my security, and now he is gone.  I feel the need to reapply for a handgun carry permit, but it has been a while since I have handled a weapon. Before signing up for the class, I want to refresh my memory of how to use a gun.  Chris bought ammunition (several kinds for several hand guns).  We all got in the cars and traveled across town for about 30 minutes to the Range.  We went inside, signed up, and began our 20-minute wait.  It took me about 3 minutes to begin crying.  Before long (5 minutes) it was obvious that I was in ‘buckets of tears’ mode.  All three of my precious children assured me that they wanted to go home.  We had done all of that for me to cry and go home.  I love my kids.

            Later that same day I drove to Kroger for milk.  I sat in the car and cried for half an hour before surrendering to the obvious.  I wouldn’t be walking into the store that day.

            Sunday brought me one day closer to Honey’s birthday.  It is the day I would have made sure his birthday would be happy.  He liked country ham and rolls, hot (not mild) sausage, and cheese omelets.  I would have teased him constantly about what he wanted to do that day.  I would have made sure that everyone knew his birthday was Monday so that everyone who wanted to call would remember.

            Monday, March 12 would have been Chuck’s 53^rd birthday.  I expected to be sad, but I wasn’t prepared for angry. I read some really stupid words. His Facebook page became a source of rage for me. I spoke my mind to several people and unfriended more than I know.  I also decided that it was time to share my feelings.  I published a blog with the 25/26/27 things that shouldn’t be said along with my response to the 25/26/27 things that shouldn’t be said. 

            By Tuesday, I was aching to return to school.  I got busy on the yearbook and watched some really different shows on the television.

            Today is the first Easter without my Honey.  I have no joy. Instead of celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus as our Savior, I question the existence of God.  Gone is my deep faith and belief in a loving God.  In its place I have doubt, anger, and disbelief that seems to grow with every first. 

Tears

Sometimes it begins as a whimper. 

I feel it in my throat, and I’m always surprised when I hear myself before I realize I’m crying.

Sometimes the thought precedes the tears.  That is usually when I scream! 

Sometimes I’m talking and my voice becomes shaky. 

The words get trapped in the tears, and if I keep talking, I’m going to keep crying.
Sometimes my nose begins to sting first. Then I get a lump in my throat, and when I cry it hurts.

Sometimes I can stop within just a few minutes. 

Sometimes I yell, and scream until I am exhausted. 

Sometimes I sob for a long time.

Sometimes my tears are like a reverse rainbow.   

I see a happy picture of a time full of promise, and I cry because we loved.

“There is a sacredness in tears. . . .They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

My Response to the 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said Alternate title: “You Shared Your Thoughts Here are Mine”

My Response to the 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said

Alternate title: 

“You Shared Your Thoughts Here are Mine”

I understand that every word was said with the hope that it would help.  Some of them are valid suggestions.  Some of them are an obvious attempt to come alongside me and be my friend.  Some are best printed on a bumper sticker and placed in a demolition derby.  Some come from bumper stickers, and you believe it is your job to repeat them.

My response:

1.     The only place I think would be better is right here with me

2.     You seem to believe you are making a point.  I don’t get it.

3.     Seriously?  So in time a decapitation heals, right?

4.     I will never get over it.  I may learn how to carry it through the rest of my life.

5.     Does that mean what I think it means? I will now begin trying to die.

6.     Holidays in Heaven.  Heaven!  Holidays!  How Funny!

7.     Oxycontin conquers pain.  He was not suffering. I am not glad he is gone.

8.     I didn’t realize I could choose anything other than grief.

9.     As if I have a choice.

10. You do not know how I feel.  That’s ludicrous!

11. I don’t know how I do it, either.

12. So, is it really all about you?

13. He loved me and wanted to take care of me forever.  He did not want to leave.

14. He understood how important he was to me.  He understood sorrow.

15. We all grieve differently.  I would be dishonoring Chuck if I didn’t work.

16. Ha ha ha!  You think?

17. Maybe you should talk to yourself.

18. Again, do you think I have a choice?

19. A better choice might be a “magic wand”

20. Probably not, but thanks for offering.

21. I don’t know.

22. Oh My, I cry many times every day. I didn’t know you were causing it.

23. This is my new normal.

24. She died with her old Chuck.

25. Lost.  Their “HERO didn’t make it.” Now they worry about their mom.

26. Fun? I’m confused. Explain that word to me.
27.  F...You!
28.  Seriously!  This one simply shocks me into an uncharacteristic silence!
28. Ha! Thanks for telling me, I couldn't tell.  

The 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said Alternate title: “Share Your Thoughts Only if You Can Handle the Response”

The 25 26 27 28 29 Things That Don’t Need to be Said

Alternate title: 

“Share Your Thoughts Only if You Can Handle the Response”

This is a collection of things I hope I’ve never said.  If I have said them, I sincerely apologize.  Please forgive me.

*Caution!  Read at your own risk.  These words may be direct quotes from you.

**Seriously, if you have thin skin, maybe you should skip this part!

***For real!  Are you sure you want to continue?

Okay, you were warned.  I will not accept responsibility for your hurt feelings.  I am simply reporting.

1.     “He is in a better place.”

2.     “When Jesus returns, death will be conquered.”

3.     “Time heals all wounds”

4.     “You will get over it.”

5.     “You will be with him again some day.”

6.     “He is having his birthday/Christmas/Easter/insert holiday in Heaven.”

7.     “Aren’t you glad he is not suffering any more?”

8.     “Give yourself permission to grieve.”

9.     “Take all the time you need.”

10. “I know how you feel.”

11. “I don’t know how you do it…”

12. “My (fill in the blank with anything) died, and I …”

13. “He would have wanted you to be happy.”

14. “He wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad.”

15. “If I lost my husband I don’t think I could get out of bed.”

16. “You might be depressed.”

17. “Maybe you should talk to a grief counselor.”

18. “Go ahead and cry.”

19. “Have you asked the doctor for an antidepressant?”

20. “Will you call me if you need anything?”

21. “What are you going to do with (fill in the blank)?”

22. “I am afraid I will make you cry.”

23. “When are you going to get back to normal?”

24. “I miss the old Patti.”

25. “How are the kids?”

26. “You need to get out and have some fun!”
27. "What did you do to cause this death?"
28.  How did he die?  Was he alone? Were you with him? Was he awake?
29. "You're fine now."

Don’t Know What to Say?

Don’t Know What to Say?

To be honest with you, I don’t know what to say.

When I see you and want to speak to you, I usually say the automatic, “Good morning, How are you?”  I know as soon as I’ve uttered those words that politely, you will respond with the same phrase.  That is when I’m at a real loss for words.

Do I tell you the truth?  Daddy raised me to believe that honesty was the ONLY choice.  Mom raised me not to say anything if it isn’t nice.  Chuck taught me that even when you are miserable, you should keep going.  You should take care of business, and whining about your unpleasant situation isn’t going to change anything, so you might as well accept your deal and invest your energy helping someone else. 

I generally tell you, I’m okay. 

When you ask me is there anything you can do for me, I don’t want to dismiss you, but honestly there is nothing that can help me.  I’m lost.  I’m trying to function in this world without the half of me that I loved more than life itself.  The only thing I need is gone.

 I accept the love that came with your offer and tell you I will call you if I need anything.  I won’t.

I know that you don’t know what to say or do.  I’ve been where you are.  I’ve wanted desperately to comfort a friend who is hurting.  I have said many of the same things you have said to me.  I have worried that I would say something that would cause my friend more pain.  Now, I know the truth. Words really can never again hurt me.

So, feel free to talk or not talk.  More than likely, I won’t hear you anyhow. 

The only proper response to hearing the news:  “Oh no! That really sucks!”

Here I Am

Saturday 

March 10, 2012

Here I am.  That is all there is.  Here I am.  I am not the great I Am.  I am simply, here.  More precisely, I think I am here.  Most of the time I am watching Patti to see what she will do or say next.  Will she cry?  Will she speak?  Will she answer questions politely?  Will she get up?  Will she get dressed?  Will she get where she is going on time?  Does she even know where she is supposed to be?  What is she going to do without him? 

Him. Honey. Prince. The Love of My Life. Chuck.

Him.  He was the air that I breathe.  He was life flowing through my heart with every beat.  He was my purpose, my reason, my sanity, my joy, my sweetness.  He gave me courage. He calmed my fears. He was my strength. He kept me sane. He is why I'm not a crazy old cat lady living behind a dumpster.  He empowered me to be able to do anything but he took care of everything so that I did not have to do anything.  He made me laugh and cry.  He joined me when I did either. 

When my world felt like it was perfect in every way, he was on cloud nine with me.  When I though there was no hope and didn't want to live, he comforted me with his presence.  His words never belittled my feelings.  He never told me I shouldn't feel that way.

I try to be who he would want me to be. I try with every breath to appear normal. 

I haven't known normal since July.